From the Archive - The Goose Code

This is a several year old memo that I "ghost wrote" for a boss the day after I gave him a wedgie, after a year of his annoying me with pokes and other unwelcome contact.

Last Friday in the spirit of Holiday fun, there was an unfortunate "wedgie" incident. I'm not saying I didn't ask for it, because I've been asking for one from the perpetrator for almost a year now, and I had it coming, and I'm not saying I didn't thoroughly deserve and enjoy it.

However, I realize that these things can lead to hurt feelings and lawsuits. Also, people limping around the office on their way to the bathroom for a boxer or brief extraction do not look very professional.

So, I am announcing a policy on inappropriate touching and personal abuse (POITAPA). Some of you may have heard of this kind of policy under the more informal name of a "goose code".

It is not my purpose to outline each and every act that could go on in an office, and this policy will not cover the kind of mutually satisifying voluntary personal touching that Brian K. enjoys with so many of the other staff members and visitors to our facility. What this policy covers is allowable and disallowed unwanted invasions of your person and space by your immediate supervisor or coworkers.

The following activities are considered harmless fun under this policy.

1. Sneaking up by crawling on hands and knees.
2. The light touch on the ear.
3. Blowing in your ear.
4. Feeling your leg.
5. The tummy tickle, smack, snap or slap.
6. The sneak attack hug.

The following activities are strictly forbidden.

1. "Wedgies" and their close relatives including, "power wedgies", "extreme wedgies", "atomic wedgies", "cloakroom wedgies" and the dreaded "melvin".
2. "Swirlys", "Porcelain Shampoos", and the like.
3. Lifting employees off of their feet in order to carry them away someplace.
4. Placing employees in cabinets, drawers or your pocket.
5. "Wet Willies"
6. "Goosings"

Please ask me personally for rulings on any other unwanted personal space invasions. There may be a few I haven't tried or thought of.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas.

NAME WITHELD
COMPANY WITHELD